Forecast: blue skies

....as in baby blue(s).

Disclaimer: I know millions of women have had it way worse than me, but this is what is happening to me, so I'm gonna talk about it (just once, then I won't talk about it again, unless it is to tell you they've gone, and I'm all better).

They've rolled in low and heavy...the dreaded baby blues. Maybe I've always had them, and just haven't noticed because I've felt so yucky with everything else, but they're here now, front and center. Blech. It is that undefinable feeling of being down. No real reason, I just am. I don't want to do anything that I usually like to do (like read. Even my tried and true faves aren't working). I'd rather skip Christmas this year. (My wonderful husband has taken over Christmas--so relatives are getting some strange but thoughtful gifts) I am not very patient with my children (but let's be frank, I was never super mom in that department). I just want to do nothing. but then I hate it, so I go do something, then I don't like that much either. I don't like to be alone, but being around people often feels like too much work. I'm not really sad or miserable or anything, just blah. (think the most beige-y color of beige) It stinks, but I'll get by.

I have been trying to work through it by forcing myself to do things that I usually like. So far the most effective things have been hanging out with my hubby (I swear that man radiates endorphins), visiting with people, exercising, and this blog (I guess it is good for me to get stuff out of my system). I just can't think about doing them too far ahead, or it feels overwhelming. I know it is just hormones--My hair has started to fall out and the acne is absolutely pubescent--I don't know why, but this fact is comforting to me.

Let me be clear: I am okay. I'll take what I've got. I'll take just feeling "low" over the stuff that is much...scarier. So, no need to worry about me, I'll be just fine. I just needed to vent. (also, some understanding and forgiveness for any awkward social interactions...)

Okay, now that that's out of me, on to happier and more fun things! {but thanks for bearing with me}

So Thankful

So, I have had a crazy busy month (or two, rather).

Baby Eli was born in mid October, (Only six days late this time!!) My husband, our oldest daughter and I all had our birthdays in a five day span, throw Halloween in that same time frame, and also a gall bladder attack with accompanying middle of the night ER visit (my first-and hopefully only-one in my life), a week long business trip for hubby, a SIL's wedding (that I had to miss, but still had to prep and pack girls and hubby) so many Dr.'s and surgeons visits, and a gall bladder removal surgery, throw in all the normal demands of life with two school age kids and a baby, and top it all off with Thanksgiving.

That has pretty much been my life lately. I plan to blog about much of it, but not today. I have been thinking about my crazy life, and all that I have to be thankful for, and I need to write them down so I can remember how blessed I am on days like today, when my focus gets set on things less...positive. So here it is: just a few of the things that I am thankful for.

1. My Husband. He is amazing. Really. He is fun and caring and smart and thoughtful and romantic and....I could go on for quite some time. He has been my saving grace the past few months. Very much so this past week. He as gotten up in the middle of the night to keep me medicated on time, fill ice packs, change baby's diapers, and any other task I ask (or don't ask) of him. He has kept a schedule of when I took my pain meds and when I get my next one, because I have been too loopy to remember. He has even promised me he will keep an eye on me to make sure I don't get addicted to the Lortab. (We weren't even sure that is really possible, but I looked in the bottle and saw that there are only two left and about cried--and that scared me) He is my man and I love him so very much. (Bonus feature: he is really, really handsome.)

2. My Kids. They are so great. M and H have been so much fun this year. It is fun to watch them grow and learn. They are such sweet girls. They make me laugh. They have been champs while we have been adjusting and learning to live with baby E. He has shaken up our lives and routines (not in a bad way), and the girls have been so helpful and have been pretty good at rolling with the punches. they are both growing up s fast! E hasn't been here long, but I love him so much! He changes every day (as babies do) and it is fun to watch. Watching the girls help take care of him is so much fun.

3. My family. (this includes all of the "in-laws"...they're my fam, too!) I am very blessed to have such great families.

4. My friends and neighbors. (my Frieghbors?? and those that are far away) These people have blessed my life in countless ways. They have offered and given help so many times. It has made me realize that I have "people"...and it is good to have "people"! I hope they count me as their "people", too!

5. Health Insurance. This one hasn't always been on the list, though it should be. This year is the first year we have ever met out deductible, and I am so grateful that we have good insurance... and that my husband has a good job that we can get it through.

6. Our good Health. Our family is healthy and happy (despite meeting that deductible) and I am so grateful!

7. Our home...messy though it be.

8. My Heavenly Father and My Savior. (obviously these are no particular order, or this one wouldn't be #8) I am thankful for prayer, and the communication I can have with my Heavenly Father. I am thankful for answers to those prayers, no matter how simple. "Please help me do this" was the shortest and most urgent prayer I have ever uttered (or perhaps screamed) and I know that it was heard (and promptly answered).

9. Sleep. any time I can get it.

10. Happy drawings hanging on my wall (done by my children) they make me smile when I look at them.

I have so much to be thankful for. I am truly blessed. but right now, the third installment of item #2 on this list is crying for me... I am off to cuddle my baby (and I am thankful for that, too) :)

Our New Baby

Here are some baby pictures of Eli.

Posted by some girls husband.

The Best Two Words

Last week, our 5 year old and I had a rough morning. Miss H often spends time in her own little wonderland, and this can make getting ready for school sometimes stressful. After 30 (!!!) minutes to eat one slice of toast and a pear, repeated requests to get dressed, brush teeth, hair,etc. I came out after getting myself dressed to find that adorable girl singing and playing in her room. No socks and shoes, hair and teeth unbrushed. We had 12 minutes until school started. And the car's battery had died (thanks to an unshut door all night...). I freaked out a bit. Okay, maybe a lot. I yelled. Pretty loud, too. I quickly got H ready, all while expressing my displeasure with her behavior and not being too gentle with that hair of hers. Needless to say, neither of us were in too happy a mood as we left to jog the half mile to the school. (and I, 9 mos prego, was really not happy)

I tried to lighten the mood a bit as we hurried along, not wanting H to go to school with mom yelling at her as her freshest memory. I wasn't very good at it, but I tried. It took me the whole 6 minute walk(jog) to get the frustration out of my system. As we neared the Kindergarten play yard (with time to spare!!), the regret for my behavior really began to set in. I pulled that cute little girl aside, knelt down and looked into those amazing brown eyes and told her that, while we needed to work on getting ready faster in the mornings, I was very sorry for getting so upset and that I shouldn't have yelled. I told her that I still loved her more than anything, even though I sometimes get upset.

Then Miss H wrapped her little arms around me and in my ear I heard what, at that moment, to me, were the two best words in the whole wide world:

"I Know."

Then a quick kiss and off to the playground, but not without a wave and a "bye mom!".

As I walked home (at a slower pace) I felt so much lighter. All I could think about was that even though I am very far from being the perfect mom (many days it feels I am far from being a good mom), and I have a lot to work on, I must be doing something right...after all,

She Knows.

Just to remember

Something that I want to remember forever, but know I won't if I don't write it down:

This week our 5 year old, Miss H, named her two stuffed elephants. (her faves right now) The pink one is named Ellie and the gray bull elephant is named Moostard. No typo. " Like mustard only with oo, mom."

Love that kid.

Five {finally}

This past spring our little girl turned five. Maybe it is time you got to know little Miss H a little bit better. There is a song (I think it is Garth Brooks??) That goes, "She's sun and rain, She's fire and ice, a little crazy, but it's nice...and when she gets mad you best leave her alone...." I swear the person who wrote that song knew our Miss H in heaven. She is an exercise in extremes. Luckily for us, usually she spends her time in the extreme on the happy side. But, when she's on the other end, watch out. (We love her both ways)She is crazy and so funny (and she knows it) and loves to be the center of attention (usually). When she feels shy or nervous, she gets very silly. She loves to make people laugh and is pretty good at it, too.
Things she loves: Bananas with peanut butter, singing and dancing, Polly pockets, drawing, reading, her sister, berries, swimming, pretending, sushi, visiting the local botanical gardens, doing "projects" (anything involving tape, paper scissors, etc and a big mess) and saying "seriously." Almost everything she says is followed by, "Seriously, mom" (or whomever she is speaking to) eg. "Slug bug silver! Seriously, mom!"or, "Seriously, dad! Will you get my bike out?"Things she does NOT like: being interrupted. She will get mad at the interrupter, then start over from the very beginning of what she was saying... even if she only had one word left to say. Heights. Being too hot or too cold. Getting her hair done (yet she wants it long like Rapunzel). All bugs except Rollie polies and baby worms.

We love our miss H so very much! She brings so much spunk into our little family. I cannot imagine our family without her. She has such a big personality for such a little girl...she's been that way from the beginning, and we wouldn't change one thing about her! (except maybe the part where she doesn't like her hair done...)

On being tan

So, three weeks ago I got the first tan I have ever had in my life. It was spray on.

Let me explain:

I AM SO WHITE.

I have never been tan in my whole entire life. I have never "laid out" or done any other sun-worshipping type activities. I have had some nasty nasty sunburns (part of my misspent youth...) and they resulted in... a few moles that needed to be removed. They sat there mocking me from atop my pasty white skin. My two daughters often look at my arms and exclaim "look how white mom is!!!" As a kid, I was always the cream filling in the middle of my friends' dark tans (we'd make Oreo's with our arms...) I don't know how to make this clearer: I am really really really white.

I always thought it would be so great to be tan. I always felt (just a little) envious when we would visit my Husband's family and they all have this beautiful dark skin...and then I live with my hubby and kids and their beautiful skin. It was so not fair! I thought I would feel prettier, more confident (and maybe even sexier) if I were even just a *little* tan.

So, I took the plunge. With my sis there for moral support (and a tan of her own) I got a spray tan from my friend, who does them out of her home. She did a great job. But I didn't expect what followed.

The first thing my 5 year old said was, "Mommy, you look different and weird. I think you should go and wash that stuff off" to which my 8 yr old heartily agreed. I went to look in the mirror to see what they saw, and I looked fine, but I didn't feel like I was looking at me in the mirror. It was strange to look in the mirror and not feel like myself.

I didn't tell my husband what I did, and when he got home he said, "It looks nice, But I like your white skin" Hmmm. Not what I expected. It was the perfect answer, but it was not what I expected.

I enjoyed my week being tan. I really did. However, I did not feel any prettier than I did before. I didn't feel any more confident. (I felt just as sexy as always.) I guess what I learned from finally getting a tan is that I am okay with my skin. Being (really) white doesn't really bother me anymore. So, let others get a beautiful golden brown every summer. I will apply my SPF 70 and stay under a shade umbrella and stay (really) white. And I won't feel bad about it (anymore). I will no longer be envious.

Well, maybe just a little tiny bit...but not much.